101 methods of summer

Ah, the weather is so nice today, but my mind is adrift. Today I went to see my therapist. I, Digital, feel like such a bum these days but at the same time getting something like a job is too scary.

A few days ago I started a personal journal(that i wont be posting on here, just to keep this habit of writing alive and keep track of the days of summer that get blurred in this heat mirage. But i'm just so lazy. Feels like my whole existence is floating over this amusement park. I'm on the ferris wheel. I know this is the perfect time to be figuring out who I am but I'm still not—who am i. I don't know, but atleast i know that i mog.

"Digital-san! Remember to always wear your best fits when u go to a show, no matter what kind of show it is! and remember to eat!"

understood.

But atleast i got a cool shirt with a silhouette graphic that reminds me of the dark knight class in ffxiv. that made me want to play ffxiv again. Also i feel like i'm always switching tenses when writing this thing. Oh well, can't be helped

I feel like i wanna do another casual ffxiv phase before uni starts again, cause then i wouldnt have the time anymore(excuse).

I watched dress-up darling, a show i've been dreading since forever since it looked like another nobitchesromcomslop, but sadly it was actually kinda enjoyable. I think in general, i want to consume more summer-related media, thats why i reread Death in Midsummer and was playing Dead Days and am currently watching a bunch of Kamen Rider since i vaguely associate Rider with summer. But Death in Midsummer is good, something something the surreal, but at the same time almost mundane, automations in front of tragedy and death, the internal, dark satisfaction of overcoming it, and what lies beyond.

Speaking of automations, i ran into guys from uni the other day and we had concluded that the True Adam is a non-thinking, automatic being of flesh and blood. The True Adam is the opposite of the internal, intellectual, a sort of existence of beauty that goes beyond words. Indeed, since we have been using words to try to describe/define beauty since the beginning of our existence to no avail; yet we know that, when something is beautiful, it simply is. So therefore true beauty >>>>>> words.
And therefore, true beauty = automation

"The True Adam is pure automata."
-Yukio Mishima

But wait just realized something about j*b...since ill be on student benefits anyway, part of the amount id earn from a j*b would be deducted from my bursary anyway, soooo let's save the job talk for later h-haha. For now, id say ill MMOmaxx like the big NHK(saying it like its a good thing) but we'll see how i feel.

Anyhow, i kinda just wanna be a hermit and withdraw into my own cave this summer, while occasionally going on summer walkmaxxing trips or to the beach.

suicidal summer rider

i wonder if its okay, to just be a bum through summer like this. on an imaginary rooftop, wearing black gakuran and always my glasses. staring at the shoreline and sea beyond the railway crossing. the barrier is lifted, but on this roof im still waiting for a scent of cigarette to strike me inspired.

Fleur de lys and bad tasting onigiri and whatnot. days are advancing, even if its a world full of absurdities...i am full of the heart, though undeserving. but then, why do i struggle so to find the words now? maybe its because i equated(=) words with abstractions and delusions, and now as i live through the opposite, for me who has only known words and the abstract: am i then ill equipped to excavate through the apple of the concrete and of reality? can words then not co-exist with the flesh? how do i reconcile the two: the pen and the sword? to see the inner nocturnal and the outer diurnal all at once.

but i suppose the crescent of the moon, at times, can even be seen in the blue sky of day

sometimes i think about these things.

these things that waver in-between the possibilities of「incompleteness」and「completeness」

"less than 3 weeks before 7/20. that atleast, i am familiar with."

endless hills and skies and what lies thereafter

taking the light rail to unknown edges of whats mapped out on the metropolitan plan. i figured out that the vast of this land is but copy pasted elements that could have been spawned in 0.5 seconds ago. maybe thats because everything that passes by my eyes as i stare through the window is parking lots, retail stores, empty fields, industrial complexes, and more parking lots.

there were no historical sites, no holy shrines, no, nothing that has indicated that time had even passed on here. even the people dressed as if it were still 2018 or something. its was as if...everything that passed before my own vision as i squinted my eyes at the clear sky beyond, was nothing but endless rows of mirages. the retail stores were empty just like the fields, the factories were barren of any machines or workers inside. it was neither existent or non-existent. it all looked like a fata morgana(lmao) mirage created by the early june heat wave. ephemeral and yet it was not. cause when the rainy season would come, cooling and drenching the overheated asphalt, it would all still remain the same landscape.

yet...there are things that connect these barren planes; and they are the endless powerlines and transmission towers. they reach out to connect one sky to the next. though these skies are all the same...

also i recently watched eromanga sensei, it was brainless/dumb/cute. but as i was watching it, i got reminded of the quote from Blue Spring(2001), about how

"People who know what they want, they scare me."

cause lowk ppl who got their own "thing" all figured out already at a young age; i can't understand it.

the door to true summer

summer is finally here but each time i spend time outside other than at the computer lab it seems to be rainy and cold. it so happens that i currently have a summer cold and can barely focus on anything. I hope this wont make me start coofing again(i just had that little over a month ago, during finals), it's so annoying. the mind is all over, even watching anime or finally sitting down to watch a movie feels so productive rn.

anyhow, in welcome to the nhk when john nhk talked about how the existence of neets and shut-ins is all a conspiracy pertetuated by the government to make normal people feel better about themselves, i had thought about the fact that the development of contemporary era chuds was orchestrated by the great puppeteer big Stein himself; as revealed in the E-mails, he played a key role in the creation of the /pol/ board and even had contacts with moot himself. it sounds like an outlandish CONSPIRACY and people think im clowning but it's true and you can check the facts. and also guislaine was a reddit mod for one of the big news subreddits. so everything in the culture war, chuds, and redditors, are linked back to them.

also yesterday i watched liverleaf, it was a mess of a story and interpersonal connections, but the shots, the snowy landscape really made it. i guess having the actors look the way they do helped as well. I still can't say for sure what I think of John Liverleaf/John J-dramaedit's actual acting though,.

Osorezan Revoir

I don't have much to say but these couple of days this song suddenly popped up in my mind so i thought of doing my reinterpretation of the translated lyrics. And they're supposed to be follow the actual vocal flow of the song. Also osorezan revoir arc is the peak of shaman king(i dropped it after).

Fall, rusty radio towers in May

the poisonous frequencies are still attempting to enter the heart. near the black surging tides, the cherry blossom looks to bloom.

amidst the sleepiness and anxieties for the future, maybe being able to be gentle like this is good enough for me. nonetheless, i'll still try to hold on to my vow. the hues of late spring nights and rainy day. Though, it is tough to finds words to describe what there is about my being and relation with the world.

"Am I wrong? Is this not pure? I believe in your heart, but words alone aren't enough to make me anxious. Please give me wings, like radio waves..."
-Charlotte, "電波事情"

It's a feeling like that.

Also, after i had finished this semester, i procrastinated and procrastinated until i finally got around to reworking this site. but sunlight broke through the rainclouds as i was writing this entry. why does the sun always break the mood like this.

the and sky and the unknown winds expecting ahead

I feel like i pose really awkwardly for shoots, though i still like how they turned out after all.

the sky was murky and the weeb store that i had mentioned didn't have all the niche Vkei CDs i wanted to show off with my knowledge anymore. but even then, it was a really enjoyable day that i will remember always!!

we played outside and ate cheesecake and noodles at the square thing place in chinatown and talked about lots of things even though it was cold asl outside. both the talking and the quietness,,, oh, and the impromptu visit to the museum place in mcgill the week before was fun too, though the con at mcgill itself sucked.

bonds are matters of electromagnetic phenomena.